What are you afraid of?

Lori, a Great Unlearning podcast listener came right out and asked, “Mary, what are you afraid of?”

Whoa, what a bold question Lori, but not one I am afraid of.

I held this question close for an entire day and came up with a significant fear and questioned it, deeply.

I’ve learned that fear can teach me about myself. In this way, I can make fear productive. I know that fear can be a signal that something isn’t right or out of alignment.

When I was embracing this question, the first thing that came to mind, and the seemingly safest thing to share in the moment, was my irrational fear of the dentist. I’ve joked with people that I must have been tortured in a dentist chair in a past life, so I see the dentist as a threat. My blood pressure skyrockets when I’m seated in that faux leather reclining chair waiting for my dentist to start talking to me over my right shoulder, just out of view enough so I have to crank my upper body to see him.

But really, why do I fear the dentist? Because I feel claustrophobic in that chair. Why do I feel claustrophobic? Because I feel trapped and become anxious. Why do I feel trapped? Because people are hovering over me and causing me discomfort. What’s wrong with people hovering over me, it’s just the dentist and his assistant? I feel pinned and vulnerable while their fingers are in my mouth, and I’m unable to escape while someone is inflicting pain on me. I feel like I don’t have any control in the situation, I just have to lay there and accept the discomfort, and then pay money for it before leaving the building.

I went on and on with this type of questioning and I ended up at the root of how I felt when I was raped (more than once) when I was 16 and 17. I felt pinned, without control, and it was quite painful physically and emotionally.

What do I do with this clarity? I can embrace it and talk about it, or I can stuff it down until it aches so bad I have no choice but to address it.

So, what’s out of alignment in me that makes me fear the dentist? Even though I have done significant work on the violations to my body as a teenager, apparently there is still more work to be done.

Thank you, Lori, this exercise proved to be quite revealing and oh so empowering for me.

Please click here to listen to my podcast on Spotify, I post new episodes every Thursday. I welcome all questions and comments.