The Myth of Me
Fibromyalgia, anxiety, and a panic disorder tried to stop me in my thirty-two-year-old tracks, but they didn't, they only fueled my desire to find a cure.
Excerpt from the story The Myth of Me from page 77 from my memoir “The Great Unlearning.”
Excerpt from The Myth of Me
“…But just as I took a step forward in line, my heart began pounding and the sound of blood swooshing in my ears became louder and louder. It had suddenly become stifling hot, and as sweat dripped down my spine, an alarming tickle progressed in my throat to the point where I couldn’t breathe without conscious effort. I feared I might faint right there on the spot.
Looking around to see if other people were also noticing the walls closing in, I didn’t catch any displays of impending doom on anyone else’s face or in their body language—except for my own—they were all just going about their business. But as my hands began to tremble with unbearable panic and I dropped my wallet, I knew it was time to find an exit.
These attacks, which had been coming on more frequently, were accompanied by muscle spasms in my neck and back that might seize me for a few hours, or put me to bed for days. I didn’t know it at the time, but suppression of unresolved childhood trauma was catching up with me and bubbling up as crippling fibromyalgia, anxiety, and panic. Having been prescribed pain killers, muscle relaxants, and sedatives (which were only partially effective), finding a functional balance between feeling loopy and aware enough to go about my day at school and at home was essential. Even so, I was barely able to take care of two children under five while doing my best to sustain a marriage that was not serving my heart or soul.
When it came time to pick a thesis topic, I decided to do research on myself in hopes of understanding the origins of my physical and emotional pain. I sought counsel from a wide variety of practitioners—from traditional western to nontraditional eastern medicine, shamanic to celestial guidance, as well as a few other- worldly interventionalists—and visited as many of these specialists as possible in the eighteen months provided to complete the project. After asking all thirty something of them the same question, What’s wrong with me, I collected thirty diagnoses, and braved most of their treatments.
My goal was to see how my presentation of symptoms would be perceived, diagnosed, and treated across a spectrum of multi-cultural, physical, social, psychological, holistic, and spiritual healing traditions, and I didn’t see the practitioners in any particular order. After starting with my allopathic health provider, I merely went with the flow of who was presented to me to consult with next…”
You can listen to me read The Myth of Me and other stories from my memoir by visiting my podcast on Spotify. Or support me by purchasing a copy of “The Great Unlearning” on this site.