The Calling

An excerpt from the story The Calling” from page 60 from my memoir “The Great Unlearning.”

The Calling is about my search for independence by running away from California to Hawaii at nineteen to escape my chaotic teenage life and leave my reputation behind, but was living proof that wherever you go, there you are.

Excerpt from The Calling

“I soon met a charismatic party animal at a disco one Friday after work who approached me as a male equivalent of a damsel in distress by coming on all lonely and needy. But when he invited me to go waterskiing on his speedboat, I joyfully accepted the invitation.

After being picked up in a fancy black and gold 280ZX, I felt like a queen while driving with the top down along the beautiful turquoise coastline of Oahu with my new friend—a thirty-two-year old former used car salesman from Montana who had become a cocaine dealer in Hawaii. After a couple of glorious adventure dates, he invited me to quit my job at the law firm and move in with him on a cockroach-free beach front property he rented in Hawaii Kai, about ten miles from Waikiki. Since he was equipped to support the lifestyle I longed for, I carelessly said yes. Although he informed me soon after I moved in that I was a decoration with an expiration date, I was willing to be his arm candy for free rent, free food, and as much cocaine as I wanted…”

You can listen to me read The Calling and other stories from my memoir by visiting my podcast on Spotify. Or, support me by purchasing a copy of “The Great Unlearning” on this site.

Author reflection

Since I’ve been on a roll about the root causes of my motivations for the often fruitless decisions I made, I thought I would take a closer look at whether I was a confident risk taker or just ignorant of what could go wrong by moving to Hawaii without a plan, quitting a great job to move in with a cocaine dealer, strapping a gun to my ankle that I didn’t know how to use, getting arrested, or impulsively marrying a man what wasn’t suited for me.

Was I super confident, naïve, or just stupid?

Here is something I learned from all this unlearning I’ve been doing: emotional states of mind always proceed decisions, including desperation.

I can’t honestly say I felt confident moving to Hawaii, but confident enough I suppose.

When I think of the word naïve, I think of a lack of worldly experience and wisdom (check). I carried a childlike wonder and awe about what it would be like to live somewhere new and as far away from my mother as possible, does that count? Barely.

Maybe being naive is a form of blind confidence, an ignorant quality perhaps.

When I landed in Hawaii, I didn’t consider how I was going to get a job, or find an apartment, all I was thinking about was turquoise blue water, beach bars, and discos.

I was smart, because I figured things out eventually, but I didn’t think things through. It took a couple of decades before I started developing think-it-through skills, but I had to endure a few more personal disasters first. I thought other people knew what was best for me and followed the worst of advice. I was impressionable and consequently very impulsive. Because of this, I was a foolish risk taker.

Some people say there is no such thing as a wrong decision because our choices reflect what we need to experience and learn from. But that’s a whole other topic to explore in a future episode.

So, was I confident, naïve, or just stupid when I moved to Hawaii? I’d say all three and I kind of think we all make decisions from a blend of the above. I’d like to know what you think.

To listen to “The Calling,” the entirety of my reflections, and how I addressed a potent reader question, head over to Spotify .