On Guard

An excerpt from the story On Guard on page 29 of my memoir “The Great Unlearning.”

Excerpt from On Guard

“I went to two different high schools in one school year, and was tormented by three Cholas at the first one. Although they never hurt me, they threatened to, especially after PE class. I would change into my street clothes in a bathroom stall in the girl’s locker room, then stay there until I was sure the room was empty. It was the only place I felt safe. Even though I didn’t make any noise, and held my breath as much as possible, I still feared I would be detected because my heart seemed to be pounding so loudly in my chest. I timed my safe exit by running to my next class and landing in my seat just as the bell was ringing.

I always felt the need to be on guard.

Their unkind words and body language had such power over me. All it took was one word, a sound, or a mean look tossed my way to make me cower. I felt inferior to them, and they knew it. I spent a couple of months hiding from them, but I knew where they were at all times…”

You can listen to me read On Guard and other stories from my memoir by visiting my podcast on Spotify. Or support me by purchasing a copy of “The Great Unlearning” on this site.

Author reflection

When I uncovered how being bullied played a part in my emotional health as an adult, I was able to dig to the roots of my irrational fears and started healing them in loving ways. Writing the stories I read today on my podcast were part of that process.

My healing started when I stopped blaming myself for being bullied. It really had nothing to do with me, I was an unfortunate target and victim of other people’s circumstances.

What I mean by this is, those bullies were people who might of had no sense of control or power anywhere else, but at school (students and teachers, alike.) They could have been raised in homes without love and support, who probably witnessed dominance from an adult, they might have been abused themselves, or didn’t have positive role models demonstrating empathy or kindness.  

I have since developed compassion for the people who bullied me and let go of my fear of safety that kept me locked in a rigid way of being. I no longer tiptoe around other people and I finally feel light and free.

To listen to me read On Guard, and more stories from my book, head over to my podcast on Spotify.