Girls Like Me
An excerpt from the story Girls Like Me on page 41 of my memoir “The Great Unlearning.” In this story, I share some of the near fatal and emotionally damaging decisions I made on the beginning of my journey to numb my pain of desperately wanting to be loved and accepted.
Excerpt from Girls Like Me
“Although I don’t have many memories of being a high school student that fall, I remember snorting heroin off the hood of a root beer brown Karmann Ghia in a parking lot, and doing bong hits of marijuana laced with PCP—whatever that was. Every weekend I’d go to parties, naively accepting any drug or alcoholic drink that was offered. The feeling of not being in control was worth the feeling of being perceived as brave and accepted in a group. Any group. I’d do anything to be included.
Shortly after I got my driver’s license, I tripped on LSD while driving to Inglewood to see an Eagles concert at the Forum. My father’s old Lincoln miraculously had enough gas in it to get me and three of my stoned friends there and back without him knowing it. But when I rolled in at 2:00 am, seeing the light on in the kitchen and not wanting to get caught coming into the house high or discovered sleeping in my dad’s car in the driveway, I chose to sleep in a filthy unlocked station wagon that was parked down the street. I never once considered what could have happened if…”
You can listen to me read Girls Like Me and other stories from my memoir by visiting my podcast on Spotify. Or support me by purchasing a copy of “The Great Unlearning” on this site.
Author reflection
If we aren’t taught about boundaries by our adult role models, how do we learn them? In my case, the long hard way. I didn’t have rules or limits in relationships and suffered the consequences. It took me freaking decades before I even knew what a boundary was.
Some people have boundaries that are super rigid, like keeping people at a distance to avoid rejection. I was living on the opposite end of the boundary spectrum by having difficulties saying no to avoid rejection. Any resemblance of my elf-esteem was dependent on the opinion of others, and I accepted abuse and disrespect. Gosh, it’s amazing how much suffering we find acceptable until we learn otherwise.
Since my need for human connection and affection as a child wasn’t met by my mother, of course I searched for those basic human needs (not knowing that’s what I was doing) and accepted them in any form presented to me. When I did what someone wanted me to do, I got some form of attention in return. Of course I did whatever it took to get attention.
I spent decades feeling shame and guilt for my behavior as a teenager, but now, I let go of that shame and guilt by replacing it with a deep sense of compassion for that lost girl, who was just desperately seeking love. She is still with me and I love on her everyday.
To listen to me read Girls Like Me, and more stories from my book, head over to my Podcast on Spotify.